Horse Manure Park

It is a day of celebration. A day when family and friends brave the wintry cold and gather together to eat, drink and be merry. No, I'm not talking about Thanksgiving. I am talking, of course, about Super Bowl Sunday. Tomorrow is the unofficial national holiday of the United States. It is the most analyzed, debated, commercialized, consumerized and overly-hyped spectacle our country has to offer. It is uniquely American. A few numbers to ponder: $5.6 billion: the amount money Americans will spend on Super Bowl related items 1.33 billion: the number of chicken wings to be consumed 325 million: gallons of beer to be drank 4.4 million: pizzas to be ordered from Pizza Hut, Papa John's and Dominoes $6,250: average ticket price to the Super Bowl $5 million: the cost of a 30 second ad during the game $132 million: the amount of money wagered on the Super Bow in Las Vegas In fact, you can bet on anything , from the color of Gatorade dumped on the winning coac...

I always chuckle at those who consider themselves morally supreme to others.  When you look down your nose at others, you eventually run smack into a wall because you are not watching where you're going. Here's an excellent example. Today I read an article about a safe driving campaign launched by the state of South Dakota which had the slogan "Don't Jerk and Drive." What do you think of when you read that? What the state of South Dakota meant was don't jerk your steering wheel on icy roads. But the morally transcendent had other ideas.  "Jerk" can mean "masturbate." South Dakota subsequently dropped the campaign for fear of offending those with divine principles. But here's my question:   Why would the phrase "don't jerk and drive" be offensive unless your mind is in the gutter?  The moral of the story?  Those who are holier-than-thou are just as perverted as everyone else. They probably fart, too. ...

Have you ever wondered how some things ever get past the "idea" stage? Especially when it comes from a big corporation like Target. We hate fat women. I read an article today that quite literally made me laugh out loud. Target recently removed a plus-sized dress from their clothing line because it came in the color "Manatee Gray." Since this is the United States of America, naturally somebody was offended by that particular description. I am guessing Target officials first rejected "Fat Albert Brown," "Brontosaurus Beige" and "Sperm Whale Blue" before settling on the not-quite-as-behemoth manatee. (Hey, it could have been worse.) A less offensive fat-ass... and cute as a bug's ear. Now don't get me wrong; I do not have a problem with plus-sized women.  I'd rather have too much to hold than not enough. After all, fat-bottomed girls make the rockin' world go 'round. And I'd much rath...

The other day I was watching my son eat his favorite cereal, Lucky Charms.  And I started thinking back to when I was a kid:  Lucky Charms was also one of my favorites as well. Lucky the Leprechaun looks a little different now compared to, say, 1974, but he's still around.  I thought that was pretty cool. And as one thought segued to another, I started thinking about all the cereal "characters" of my childhood. Every sugar-coated, frosted, packed-with-vitamins-and-iron, genuine-aritificial-flavor box of awesomeness had its own little cartoon character which tried to convince me to convince my mom  that the next time she was at the Red Owl in Wadena, she should by THAT particular cereal. And you know what?  She usually did.  So I decided to take a stroll down memory lane and try to think of as many breakfast cereal characters I could from my youth.  I know I've overlooked a few, but here are the ones I can clearly remember. <<>...

Advertising in America fascinates me.  It also ticks me off. We live in a society of "new and improved."  Everything is better.  Everything is upgraded.  Everything is refined. But when you think about it, what does "new and improved" really say to you? Well, in my world, when a manufacturer comes out with a "new and improved" product, it is something of a mea culpa: a confession that their product really wasn't very good to begin with... We know it sucked before, but now it's better!  Now it's improved!  No, really, it is ! So with this in mind, I put on my pajamas and went to my favorite store, Wal-Mart, to check out the latest advertising gimmicks.  Here's what I found. All of us should be just a little irked when we see this: Orville Redenbacher's Smartpop! popcorn; NEW and improved.  It no longer has saturated fat, which means your arteries will clog less quickly than before. Bleach is bleach, right?  It tak...