Horse Manure Park

I hate it when I have to go to Walmart. Well, I guess I shouldn't say I have to go, I choose to go.  The same way I choose to drink a twelve pack of beer and a pint of brandy, even though I know it will result in a horrible headache the next day. I guess it is part of an unconscious inner self-loathing I am afflicted with and I suppose I need serious professional help. I always tell myself Walmart is closer to home and they usually have better prices, so to Walmart I go. The one good thing about it is I always find a pretty good story or at least something interesting to share. Today was no different. So this morning, I spirited through the store getting what I needed. Surprisingly, it was fairly uneventful except when I passed the electronics section. Two people were trying to buy TracFones and the overweight, perspiring, balding Associate was clearly overwhelmed. When a third customer with a shopping cart full of Ol' Roy, Red Bull and Tampax wandered up to the desk, Pe...

I knew it's going to be an adventurous day when I saw this... The short bus was parked in front of my favorite hang out.  Yee-haw! Okay, so I'm not exactly what you'd call politically correct, although I've usually got a pretty good filter.  The problem, as I see it, is we live in an ultra-sensitive, entitled society which has made us into a country overflowing with lazy, thin-skinned crybabies. That's strictly my opinion and it's probably an unpopular one, but the truth hurts. I'm saying all of this because today I had to go to Walmart.  And it's never pretty when I go to Walmart. However, today I tried to adopt the perspective of my niece, Stacy, who said recently (on Facebook) that she loved Walmart because it "displays an array of unique beautiful individuals of God's creation." Stacy is a good, kind soul.  She's also an ordained minister and I'm very proud of her and her accomplishments.  But my faith in the hum...

No one ever seems to have a problem when you say you need to "vent." "You go, girl!" they say (if you're female).  They say venting is a healthy.  They say it's good for your blood pressure and your immune system. Everybody should vent, they say. The dictionary definition of "venting" is: To express one's opinions or feelings, especially forcefully. Odd, because it sounds perilously similar to "complaining," which is defined as: To express feelings of pain, displeasure or resentment. Nobody likes a complainer, so I will take this moment to be a venter. Warning: my vents have been known to turn into rants, which is an altogether different animal. ~ Most of you know I am repulsed by WalMart and I frequent the place only in moments of despair. Yet every time I go there, I end up with awesome writing material; WalMart never fails to deliver the goods -- something that just drives me over the edge. A recent adventure ...

Advertising in America fascinates me.  It also ticks me off. We live in a society of "new and improved."  Everything is better.  Everything is upgraded.  Everything is refined. But when you think about it, what does "new and improved" really say to you? Well, in my world, when a manufacturer comes out with a "new and improved" product, it is something of a mea culpa: a confession that their product really wasn't very good to begin with... We know it sucked before, but now it's better!  Now it's improved!  No, really, it is ! So with this in mind, I put on my pajamas and went to my favorite store, Wal-Mart, to check out the latest advertising gimmicks.  Here's what I found. All of us should be just a little irked when we see this: Orville Redenbacher's Smartpop! popcorn; NEW and improved.  It no longer has saturated fat, which means your arteries will clog less quickly than before. Bleach is bleach, right?  It tak...

It is Monday... a sunshiney, chilly, beautiful autumn day.  Unfortunately, I have to go back to work tonight.  I shouldn't complain, I've got a job.  But some days I think it would be really cool to sit on my ass and let the state pay for me to be unemployed.  Maybe I could start faking anxiety attacks or start acting really depressed so I can be considered "unemployable" and draw disability?  Hmmm... might be worth a try?  Some days it is really tempting. So I went to WalMart the other day.  I ordered a half pound of turkey and a half pound of ham and I didn't realize it would be such a complicated exercise.  "Jennie-O, Armour or Hormel?"  "How thinly sliced do you want your meat?"  "I went over a half pound a bit, do you want me to remove a couple of slices?" Holy crap!  I know I'm not as fussy as some poeple - at least not when it comes to deli meat - but this seemed a bit overkill to me.  Maybe I looked like a meat snob...

Man, it has been an expensive a productive week at our house.  I got the computer fixed on Tuesday.  Grace had her surgery on Thursday (and she's doing well!).  Also on Thursday I got the oil changed in the Honda, and Beth and I got BlackBerries.  Yesterday I got four new tires put on the Honda. Today my goal is to watch football.  I am looking forward to accomplishing that goal. About our new investment -- the BlackBerry.  Beth has had complicated phones in the past, but I have resisted the temptation.  I despise "phone jerks," as I call them.  One of my biggest pet peeves - and this has happened to me more than once - is having a conversation with someone, only for them to suddenly reach down for their phone and check a text as I'm in mid-sentence. Sorry, didn't mean to interrupt your virtual world.  Perhaps if I sent you a text I would have your undivided attention.   Oh, those people piss me off. But I figured it was about tim...

Oh, the dreaded weekend is here.  I absolutely hate our weekend to work.  Beth and I do not see each other from 8:00 AM Friday morning until 8:00 AM Monday morning.  These three days simply suck.  I think some changes are on the horizon, but we'll see how things pan out. Wanna throw up in your mouth?  Of course you do! No, this isn't pornographic, it's just gross.  Imagine the bacon you could get off this one!  I suppose it isn't nice to make fun of fat people, but damn it, if you're gonna go out in public like this, I reserve the right to laugh at you.  It's that simple.  This comes from People of Wal-Mart , one of the funniest sites on the internet. I needed a laugh.  Now back to the regularly scheduled program.

I survived a really crappy weekend at work.  Actually Friday and Saturday nights weren't bad, but it was the typical Sunday night "shit shift" (as we put it) that took the cake.  Of course I cannot go into any details, but allow me to say this:  the drug propofol (also called Diprivan) has gotten a really bad rap in the press lately because it torpedoed Michael Jackson, but trust me... propofol is a beautiful thing.  Enough said. However, I'm home now and I'm happy about that. So I dropped Ava off at preschool today and gritted my teeth as I headed to Wal-Mart.  I wanted to buy Bon Jovi's new album and a few other things.  Every time I go to Wal-Mart I always end up with a story to share.  This morning was no different.  When I checked out, the cashier gave me my total, so I handed her a $50 bill.  She looked at me blankly and said, "Do you got a penny?" I'm proud to say I bit my tongue, but my initial thought was to blurt out, "No I...

I guess I'll update things here, although there's not much to say. Another gray day.  Drab.  At least it isn't raining at the moment.  It rained much of the day yesterday mixed with big, wet snowflakes dive-bombing to the ground.  Today it is just gray.  And cold.  Drab. The good news is the sun just poked out, I guess to make a token appearance just before it sets.  Better late than never. Okay, enough moping (which is different from mopping).  I think everyone at our house is finally healthy this week.  The trick is now keeping it that way... and it's only the first week of November.  Seems like it has been a long winter already and there's not even snow on the ground yet.  And it hasn't gotten anywhere near cold -- I mean bone-chilling cold, folks -- not this wussy "oh, it's 20 degrees -- it is so cold!" stuff.  I'm talking -30 degrees with a 25 mile per hour wind type of cold.  Yeah, it is coming. Didn't I ju...

I feel like our house has been a MASH unit lately. All of us have been sick, Beth especially. She felt well enough to go to work today, so that was a good sign. Martha's had a couple bad days, too. She was having what appeared to be spasms in her left rear leg (not unlike what you would see in someone with multiple sclerosis). Her coordination is getting worse, but today was a better day for her, so we'll keep trying. And, like I mentioned before, my stupid computer has been sick too. I finally called a business called "Brainerd Computers" today. The guy I spoke to had a Scottish/Irish/English accent, which caught me off guard (actually, I almost hung up on him at first, because I thought he was drunk... or retarded... or both. Silly me). But he seemed friendly and very knowledgeable. I explained the problem to him and he seemed to instantly know what it was. All I could really recall from his rapid-fire Scottish techno-speak was the phrase "very intell...

You may have noticed that I numbered this story…. Story 1. That’s because whenever I go to Wal-Mart, something stupid always happens to me, so I am sure I will have another stupid Wal-Mart story in the near future. I hate going to Wal-Mart, but they have low prices and a nice variety and Phyllis didn’t raise no fool. Sometimes you just do what you gotta do. This story happened a couple weeks ago. Beth went to work at 6: 30 a.m. and I got up when Ava started to fuss. I was up late, couldn’t sleep, which was nothing new for me. It was hard to get out of bed; a gentle rain was falling outside my window and an occasional roll of thunder yawned its way across the grey morning sky. I stayed under the covers as long as I could, until Ava was good and mad. Finally I staggered to her room, still half asleep, where she greeted me with a happy, “Hi!“ Bleary eyed, I changed her diaper, then trudged up the stairs. Coffee , I thought to myself. My only salvation is coffee right now . I poured Ava a ...