Horse Manure Park

Being King of my Castle, I don't go grocery shopping much. Usually, my "people" go grocery shopping for me, but there are times even the King has to do a little shopping when his "people" rebel. And such was the case last night. You see, I neglected to pick up bread and milk yesterday morning whilst returning home from work and when supper time came, my "people" insisted that I trek to the land of Cub Foods to find nourishment for the occupants of the Castle, since we were fresh out of the basics which I had not provided for earlier in the day. I protested that it was far too cold to journey outside the warm confines of the Castle, but my "people" told me to piss directly up a rope and be a man for once. Thusly, I became a man. So off I went into the cold of the evening and presented myself to Cub Foods. First on my list was a nice salad, so I decided to buy one of those convenient bags of lettuce. This seemed to be a very easy task. Lettu...

"Arctic sunshine." I am so sick of that phrase. All we've had for the past three or four days is "arctic sunshine" and we are having more again today. It's too cold to do anything outside and I am starting to get a little stir crazy in this house (which, by default, makes by wife really stir crazy). So out of desperation I decided to go out in this frigid crap just to get a little fresh, frozen air. And look what I found near the side of my house: Now, this is either: a beautiful, natural ice sculpture a stalagmite in search of a cave or Old Man Winter got into a bottle of Viagra. Either way, I thought that was pretty interesting. We watched the movie Sling Blade last night and I thought it was very good. Dwight Yoakam was one of the stars and he was excellent (as in country star Dwight Yoakam). Billy Bob Thorton plays the wonderful lead character, a mentally retarded man named Karl, and my favorite line of the movie is when Karl tries to tell a joke...

Has anyone seen this Vince guy on t.v.? You know who I'm talking about, right? That annoying spikey-haired dude who whores out crappy products like "Shamwow" and "Slapchop"? I was watching one of his commercials for "Slapchop" tonight and I was startled when he proudly proclaimed, "You're gonna love my nuts." I'll give the guy credit, he'll do anything to sell a product. Just had to share that.

A special birthday wish to my dad, who would have been 94 years old today. It is hard to believe you have been gone for 12 years. I miss you very much, but I feel like I talk to you every day. I know you and Mom are doing fine. I'll have a beer and a cigar for you tonight... you know, just in case they don't allow that kind of stuff upstairs.

Today marked a significant day in our country's history. I think you could make a convincing argument that today was quite possibly the most significant day in our country's history after July 4, 1776. I don't think that's an overstatement in the least, although one could make strong arguments for other landmark events as well, but this was certainly right up there. And I missed it all, because at about the same time Barack Obama was taking the Oath of Office, Beth, Ava and myself were introduced to the newest little Branstner for the first time, floating around in Beth's tummy. We had our first ultrasound today and everything looked fine: one head, two arms, two legs, one heart -- and that's a pretty good start. Oh, and just so Mr. Stokes knows, there's only one in there, not two. I admit that I sort of had a premonition that there would be two little monsters squirming around in there, but nope, I was wrong. I also have a premonition that this is...

Just a quick note. Nothing really happening in my neck of the woods. It is a working weekend, which means everything I should be doing is not getting done. Oh well, life goes on. It finally is a little "warmer" outside. I just took the canines outside and it was 16 degrees ABOVE zero. On Thursday morning -- or was it Wednesday morning? -- I can't remember, the days have all melted together this week (ironic I should choose the word "melted" isn't it? I crack myself up some times)... anyway, one of those two mornings it was -36 F when I got home at 7:30 AM. That doesn't even classify as "cold" anymore. I file it more under the "stupid" category. I'm not sure how wildlife even survives in temperatures that cold, but obviously they do. Beth got to stay home on-call today and I am glad. She has been miserable with nausea, sleeplessness and all the other unpleasant things related to pregnancy and the side-effects of anti-emet...

...and there is Minnesota cold. For the next 48 hours we will experience Minnesota cold. The forecasted low tonight for our area is -25 F. The "high" tomorrow is supposed to be -5 F. Tomorrow night's low is predicted to be -24 F. YES! That is something to be proud of, folks!! Indeed, it is colder than Bill and Hillary's bedroom. It would be a good night to stay home and sip coffee with Bailey's. But I gotta work. My trusty outdoor thermometer already reads -8.5 F and it's just a little after 5:00 PM. Yeah, it's gonna get chilly.

We watched a part of the Barrett-Jackson Auto Auction tonight live on the Speed channel. Barrett-Jackson advertises itself as "The World's Greatest Collector Car Event" and it is a huge production. My nephew Dan had many cars up for auction tonight at Barrett-Jackson and for about 45 minutes we watched his collection go on the block on live television. " The Dan Minor Collection " was mentioned at least four times and I'd have to say Dan got a little famous in that 45 minutes on live national television. When we stopped watching, Dan had the #2, #4 and #5 highest selling vehicles of the day! My personal favorite was Plymouth Barracuda, but I just didn't have the cash on hand to buy it. Here's one of the cool cars Dan sold tonight, a 1973 Plymouth Road Runner: My personal favorite, the '67 Plymouth Barracuda: This was the big seller of the night, a 1941 Ford Custom pick-up, the #2 highest seller of the day: It was a lot of fun to watch and hop...

My days off are done. It is Monday which means it is back to work tonight. Mondays are tough. I usually sleep in as late as I can -- typically until about 10 a.m. Then Beth heads off to work at 10:30 a.m. and Ava and I hang out together all day. I then head to work at 10:30 p.m. and get home about 7:30 a.m. the next morning and my head finally hits the pillow at about 8:30 a.m. All this means I usually have to stay awake for 22 hours on Mondays, which isn't very fun. I usually find myself switching to autopilot and just getting through it. So right now I am on autopilot. So right now I am on autopilot. So right now I am on autopilot. So right now I am on autopilot. So right now I am on autopilot. So right now I am on autopilot. So right now I am on autopilot. Oops. Sorry. My autopilot got stuck. I am letting Ava watch Noggin today. She had no t.v. all weekend long, so I am letting her get her fill today. I think she learns a few things watching these Noggin programs. She...

We had "date" night last night. That's when we sit on the couch, watch reruns of "Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom" and eat dates. I miss that show. Anyone else remember it? Marlin Perkins was the man back then. Well, sort of. Anyway, back to what I was talking about (whatever that was). Oh yeah, date night. No, we didn't eat dates. We got a babysitter and went to what has quickly become our favorite Mexican restaurant, "El Tequila." I was brave this time and tried a margarita. I say "brave" because tequila is not my favorite choice in beverages, but this margarita was terrific. First and foremost, the drink was as big as my head. I would venture to guess it was about 36 ounces; you could have poured three cans of beer in the dog dish on stilts that the margarita was served in. This was fine by me because I come from the school of thought called "If A Lot Is Good, More Is Better." This general rule applies to all...

I screwed up and I might as well admit it right up front. My brother Bob's 60th birthday was on January 5th and like a total schmuck I forgot it. I knew his birthday was in January and I knew he was turning 60, but I missed the big day. I always think his birthday is later on in January, but that was my dad's birthday, not Bob's. Oh well, happy belated birthday, Bob. I think you read my blog. I am disappointed you didn't have a big party like you did on your 50th. That was the most fun I don't remember! Then again, maybe you did have a party and I'm on your shitlist. You'll have to let me know. Beth went to New York Mills to spend the day with her mom and to run a few errands that have been on our "roundtoit" list. I am spending the day doing laundry and listening to my favorite oldies station. I am dressed in an Eddie Bauer sweatshirt, Vikings shorts and black socks with red and white stripes. I must say I look especially sexy today....

I survived another crazy weekend at work. We managed to keep everyone alive, which is the ultimate goal. Now I'm off for a few days. I guess I've got to make a list of things to do while I'm off. Seems I can think of a thousand chores to do that I always mean to "get around to" when "I've got the time." Then when I do have the time, I can't remember what it was that I had to do. I'm probably the only person who does that; it's most likely a built-in mechanism of covert procrastination (which is a term I just invented) whereby I avoid mundane tasks when the opportunity presents itself by means of temporary global amnesia. I've got no idea what the hell I'm talking about right now. I don't know how many of you have heard of the band "The Barenaked Ladies." They are a Canadian group that has been around since 1988 and they've had a number of hits over the last 20 years. They are just a terrific live act...

I was going to launch the Oak Valley to Po Valley blog next week, but I decided to do it today, New Years Day. It's all set to go, so let's get on with the show... I hope you enjoy my father's journey!

I can already tell 2009 is going to be different. Last night marked a watershed occasion: I was asleep before 9 p.m. This was the first time in my adult memory that I did not stay up to usher in the New Year. I had two beers (one for me and one for Beth, of course) and the cold beverages had a sedative effect on me. I was out like a light and didn't open my eyes until 6:30 a.m., when I awoke feeling totally refreshed, rejuvenated and ready to take on the world ... ...okay, I'm getting a little carried away. But I did wake up feeling well-rested. So I got up, brewed a pot of coffee and went out to the garage to puff on an Iguana and think about the New Year (it was 16 degrees this morning, which felt balmy compared to yesterday!). I read Stacy's blog yesterday about God making all things new and I thought about how my New Year is going to be different. I decided this will be a year of anticipation. The biggest anticipated event by far , of course, will be the birth o...