New and Improved!

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Advertising in America fascinates me.  It also ticks me off.

We live in a society of "new and improved."  Everything is better.  Everything is upgraded.  Everything is refined.

But when you think about it, what does "new and improved" really say to you?

Well, in my world, when a manufacturer comes out with a "new and improved" product, it is something of a mea culpa: a confession that their product really wasn't very good to begin with...

We know it sucked before, but now it's better!  Now it's improved!  No, really, it is!

So with this in mind, I put on my pajamas and went to my favorite store, Wal-Mart, to check out the latest advertising gimmicks.  Here's what I found.

All of us should be just a little irked when we see this:
Orville Redenbacher's Smartpop! popcorn; NEW and improved.  It no longer has saturated fat, which means your arteries will clog less quickly than before.

Bleach is bleach, right?  It takes out stains.  It disinfects.  It makes meth.  But that's not good enough for the folks at Clorox:
White isn't good enough.  Clorox is shooting for whiter than white.  We are talking Jesse Helms/David Duke/KKK white.  C'mon, how white can ya get?        

It's winter and your hands are dry as bone.  The last time you tried Lubriderm, your skin broke out in leper-like blisters and boils.  But don't worry...
Our dermatologist is back from rehab and our product no longer contains battery acid.  It is new and improved!  Woo-hoo!

Another great improvement worth sharing...
Kitty may have the Hershey squirts, but don't worry; Tidy Cat is improved.  Those loose clumps of feline diarrhea were incredibly inconvenient.  Now they are new and improved and come out is tight little nuggets that smell like, well... cat shit.

Bonus size?  Tell me, how big is "bonus size"??  How about a bonus price, Wal-Mart?  Like, FREE.  Now we're talking bonus.
This one REALLY ticks me off.  Think about what Hamburger Helper is telling us:  "Sorry folks, but for all these years we've been totally ripping you off."   They've been giving us just a measly 60% of their deliciousness all along!  I'm heartbroken and I'll never buy Hamburger Helper again.  Greedy bastards.

I don't know what the hell this is.  Looks like a Mother's Day gift to me.  Only at WalMart.  It has nothing to do with the "new and improved" theme.  I'll take my Adderall now. 

But Wally World isn't the only place to find an overabundance of new and improved items.  Here's a beauty from Costco:
Kirkland Signature paper towels: they are "now more absorbent!"  A Costco concession that they didn't soak up jack squat before.

And some times the "new and improved" schtick doesn't work.  Manufacturers simply go directly to desperation mode:
Please!  Try Me!  I'm 100% real mozzarella!  And it's frickin' freezing in here!


Until next time...

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