Horse Manure Park

I'm up early. The house is quiet, the coffee is hot, and on the other side of my living room wall it is pretty chilly (thank goodness for insulation). My trusty kitchen thermometer reads -23 degrees this morning. Yes, it's cold enough fer me. This is the last day of 2008 and I am just sitting here thinking about the year in review. For the most part, pardon my frankness, it's been a pretty shitty year, at least for my family. My cousin Corey was shot in the head early in 2008; incredibly, he escaped with his life. Soon after that, my cousin Dennis (Corey's father) was diagnosed with cancer. In the early part of the year, my great-nephew was found overcome by carbon monoxide poisoning. This summer my great-niece fell from a deck over ten feet in the air and fractured her skull. Thankfully, they both recovered and are doing well. This fall another great-niece had all of her personal belongings destroyed in an apartment fire. Worst of all, my cousin Dennis lost his

Holy Toledo, it's been how long since I've been on the internet? Something like five days or so, which I am sure is a record for me. Just like everyone else we've been busy over the Christmas holiday. We've had guests and we've been traveling back and forth to Beth's parents' place for Christmas-like things, and in the meantime I worked Christmas Eve and Christmas Day... and in a flash it was all over and the New Year is just a couple days away. I work tonight and then I'm off until January 2nd. Yes, my schedule is a mess. I am ready for things to get back to normal -- or at least what I consider to be "normal." We had a nice Christmas. Now all that remains are leftovers (which I shouldn't have, but will somehow find their way into my pie hole) and some really neat toys that Santa brought Ava's way. One in particular is cool -- it is a horse that actually walks. Unfortunately, Ava is scared to death of it. Whenever it "co

1. His real name is Santa Aloisius-Cletis Claus, not Kris Kringle. 2. His favorite song is "You Make Me Feel So Young," by Frank Sinatra 3. Snuggle fabric softener makes him wheeze. 4. His favorite hobby is deer hunting. 5. He refuses to read e-mail. He never has, he never will. 6. His contract with the IAFR (International Association of Flying Reindeer) expires in 2112. 7. He owns a pet weasel named "George." 8. He refused to allow his sleigh to be put on display at the Smithsonian after the institute declared it the world's first flying machine. 9. He's never owned a pilot's license (international aeronautics law grants immunity to Santa Claus, Superman and Dumbo). 10. He gave up pipe smoking in 1844, but started again in 1851 because he thought it looked better for his image. 11. He loves Wonder bread. 12. In 1892, he convinced Peter Tchaikovsky to feature a little-known instrument, the celesta, while the composer was writing "Dance of the

This is astounding !! I was looking at Google Earth tonight, studying habitations near the North Pole and I found this satellite image. I almost fell off my chair. I am absolutely convinced it is Santa's place. This could be absolute PROOF that Santa truly does exist!!! I studied the photo carefully and pointed out areas of interest, or at least what is my best guess. This is truly amazing! Click on the photo for a bigger image. Here's another angle:

I gave you the worst, now here are the best... 10. Silver Bells One of my favorites for sentimental reasons... this was my mom's favorite Christmas song and whenever I hear it, I think of her. 9. Little Drummer Boy A beautiful, haunting melody; no song is quite like it in the Christmas carol catalogue. 8. Happy Christmas (War Is Over) A classic penned by the legendary John Lennon. If Yoko Ono hadn't screeched on the track, it would even be higher on my list. 7. We Three Kings This carol has that terrific chorus, which totally takes the tune a new direction, "Star of wonder, star of might..." I especially like the arrangement found on my brother Dale's Christmas CD, which adds a Mid-Eastern flavor to the song. 6. The Christmas Song You know this one, "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..." Written by the late Mel Torme, it's impossible not to love this song. 5. Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! I've just always loved this song, especi

Holy crap, is it ever COLD . My thermometer, which is usually pretty accurate, reads -20 degrees right now. It is supposed to get even colder before morning. I took the garbage out to the street earlier this evening and it was absolutely painful . I suppose it wouldn't have been so bad if I would have put on a coat and shoes, but I figured a quick job like that would require just a tee shirt and sandals. Yeah, that was pretty stupid. Now that I think about it, I am glad Ava didn't lock me out of the house. Oofdah!! Not one of my brighter moments. I am not sure how much snow we got yesterday. My best guess is 8 to 9 inches. I thought we would get even more the way the weatherman talked, but it's a pretty good start to the winter season. Remember, winter doesn't even start until next Sunday. And then, my friends, the days start getting L O N G E R again. There is hope on the horizon! So here I sit waiting for the phone to ring; I took Beth to work today beca

10. We Wish You A Merry Christmas Any song with the line, "Now bring us some figgy putting and bring it right here!" is automatic crap in my book. 9. Blue Christmas I don't have anything against The King, but the backing vocals on this song are awful. Whoever arranged this song should have their birthday taken away. 8. Felize Navidad Any Christmas song featured in a Taco John's commercial is going to make this list. 7. Deck the Halls Hands down the worst lyrics in Christmas carol history. "Don we now our gay apparel." Is this about Liberace? And "Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la"? Could we have a little effort here? 6. O Tannenbaum Can't understand a word. Something about "can embalm"? Put it on the list. 5. 12 Days of Christmas First of all, the song is too damn long. Secondly, what's all this about "maids a-milking" and "lords a-leaping" and birds perched in a pear tree? A total stoner song. 4. Jingle Bel

The weatherman says there's a storm a-comin'. Lots of snow and wind on Sunday; maybe we'll have a good old fashioned blizzard? That's okay with me, we don't have any plans this weekend. This kind of crap usually happens on our weekends to work, when travel is a must. But we're off this weekend, so I might just pour myself a glass of Bailey's, light up an Iguana and watch the white stuff fall. I got my computer back today and, as promised, it is running like a top. I have been really impressed with this guy (his name is James Hope) and I would recommend him to anyone with computer problems in the Brainerd area. His website is www.brainerdcomputers.com . He also makes custom computers at extremely low prices. The guy really knows his stuff, I can say that. In a time when mediocrity is not only expected, but it's accepted, it was nice to do business with someone who does what he says he'll do and gets it done on time. I tried to start my Chris

I met with the Scottish computer guy today. He had my computer fixed in no time. I will get it back tomorrow and I'll be out just a hair over $60. I can live with that. Mr. Brigadoon seems to know what he's doing, although I will know more tomorrow when I have my laptop back in my lap and see for myself. Interestingly, he said I don't necessarily need to pay him tomorrow. He said he'll send an invoice in a few days, but wants me to take the computer home and make sure I'm happy with his work first. That's impressive. I must say I am a little proud of myself for putting aside my total distrust of people and let this complete stranger take my computer away. That's very unlike me, folks! I have to confess, though, I jotted down my computer's serial number and took a picture of it before I turned it over to him. You know, just in case . Okay, so maybe I didn't completely put aside my distrust in people. Hey, I don't have to get burned twi

I feel like our house has been a MASH unit lately. All of us have been sick, Beth especially. She felt well enough to go to work today, so that was a good sign. Martha's had a couple bad days, too. She was having what appeared to be spasms in her left rear leg (not unlike what you would see in someone with multiple sclerosis). Her coordination is getting worse, but today was a better day for her, so we'll keep trying. And, like I mentioned before, my stupid computer has been sick too. I finally called a business called "Brainerd Computers" today. The guy I spoke to had a Scottish/Irish/English accent, which caught me off guard (actually, I almost hung up on him at first, because I thought he was drunk... or retarded... or both. Silly me). But he seemed friendly and very knowledgeable. I explained the problem to him and he seemed to instantly know what it was. All I could really recall from his rapid-fire Scottish techno-speak was the phrase "very intell

Can I vent for a moment? Good. Good heavens, am I having computer issues. I have McAfee virus protection, but I'm not overly impressed with it. In fact, I can't even log onto the darn web site right now. My virus protection keeps saying that the "detection signature file" is 8-29 days old and it tells me to click "FIX" to fix the problem. So like a good little lemming, I click fix, wait a few minutes and a window pops up and says everything is up-to-date, but it still says I need to fix the problem. Another issue is my computer freezes when I try to load my personal settings. It takes multiple attempts at shutting the dumb thing off and turning it back on before it finally loads properly. When things finally get up and running, surfing the net is extremely sluggish. It feels like I am back on a dial-up modem. My thinking was that this all pointed toward a virus, even though I just spent a bunch of money renewing McAfee. So I spent $$$ tonight on a

Just another lazy evening at home. Beth was on-call and just got called in, so I am contemplating what my munchkin will eat for supper. Some times she eats like a horse, some times she's not interested at all. The only rule we have is if you don't eat when the meal is served, your not allowed to snack later. Of course, we've gone through a couple of dramas in the late evening of "I'm hungry" after refusing supper. The answer's always the same: "I'm sorry, but you should have eaten when we had supper." Which always summons the same response: "BBBBOOOOORRRRAAAHHHH!!!!" It is hard to tell your child no when they say they are hungry, but my personal belief is that a child needs structure. I simply don't think it's right to allow a kid to eat at 9:00 p.m. after refusing to eat at 6:00 p.m. It's all about learning to make choices and learning that there are consequences (positive and negative) to your actions. It&#

Yes, folks, it is true. We can now make the big announcement: Baby Branstner #2 is packaged, sealed and ready for delivery some time in mid-July, 2009!! It goes without saying we are totally overjoyed! We meant to have a spring baby, but God had other plans... and that's just fine with us. Unfortunately, Beth doesn't handle the whole early pregnancy thing too well and she's been puking like a drunk sailor for the past week. I came home from work at 7:30 a.m. today and she was yacking in the bathroom, and had been there since 4:00 a.m. On Tuesday, she hurled every 20-30 minutes for the entire day. She hadn't eaten since Monday and I finally told her to stop toughing it out and get something for the relentless ralphing, otherwise she would end up in the hospital (it's called "hyperemesis," a very real medical condition). So she called her doctor today and got some good drugs. I am happy to report she actually made a hot dish for supper and the s

We are back safe and sound from our trip out to Bismarck. The drive was uneventful both there and back, which is always a good thing. Now Thanksgiving is over. Come to think of it, this is the last day of November. The countdown to Christmas is officially on. On Thanksgiving day we went over to John and Becky Walker's. We had a nice visit and good food. John smoked a turkey and it was excellent! The next day we were off to Bismarck and I entertained myself by trying to take advantage of the lowest gas price possible along the way. The lowest: Stamart in Glyndon, Minnesota. $1.52/gallon on Friday afternoon. When we came back on Sunday it had risen by 12 cents. I still don't understand that. I don't think I ever will. Anyway, we had a good time at Jon and Sara's, saw all of the inlaws and outlaws, ate way too much great food, of course. The cousins had a fun time with each other. It wasn't too long ago when I was a little gremlin getting into trouble wit

Early morning solace at my house. Everyone is asleep except me. The coffee is brewed which has mercifully masked the stench of stale dog farts (Martha had an upset stomach yesterday) and the sun is thinking about rising once again. This is my quiet time. The big highlight this week is, of course, Thanksgiving. We plan on going over to my cousins, John and Becky Walker (who live across the street), for dinner. We haven't seen them for a while, so it will be nice to visit with them. Then on Friday we are heading to Bismarck, North Dakota, to Jon and Sara's place (Beth's sister) for a weekend get-together with the Dau family. There's really not much else going on this week. Last night I stayed up until 1:00 a.m. plotting out maps of Algeria and Tunisia for my upcoming blog "Oak Valley to Po Valley." That was, of course, after the Monday night game. Most people probably would have stopped watching that game in the fourth quarter. I, however, popped open

Just another evening at home, waiting for the clock to tell me it is time to go back to the job. I've been channel surfing, trying to find a decent football game to watch, but I am not having much luck. The Texas Tech/Oklahoma game was hyped like crazy by ABC and it has been a laugher. I stopped watching in the second quarter. I haven't heard how the big "count" is going between Franken and Coleman. Just think, 2.9 million votes to be counted by hand. Gee, there's no room for human error there, is there?! CNN had a headline saying " Minnesota Senate race recount could get ugly " as if the whole campaign has been smiles and pats on the back? Someone is going to have to concede and I don't see either side doing that. This will drag on and on -- at the taxpayers' expense, by the way. As usual, I'm not one to complain about something without offering a fair and balanced solution. This is how you solve the problem: A nationwide pay-per-vie

Ava and I had our daily tea party today. Sorry Stacy, there are no pictures of me, but here's the proof that we actually do have tea parties! (Note the dates are wrong on the pictures... Ava was not yet born on Jan. 20, 2006. These were taken Nov. 19, 2008. I have to figure out this stupid camera). You can click on each image to enlarge it. "Pinky" the unicorn is force fed her tea. Ava prepares tea for "Pecos" the horse. Dora and I share a cup of tea (those are my hairy, smelly legs). Your hostess. Ava shares her tea with the ever-patient and ever-suffering Gracie. You can see the concern written on Gracie's face: "What's this kid going to do next?" I hope you enjoyed our tea party. Come again!

This morning on my way home from work, I noticed gas was $1.84 per gallon. Tonight it is $1.79 per gallon. Just a couple months ago gasoline was almost $4.oo per gallon here in Baxter. In just two or three months, the price of gas has fallen over 55%. How can that possibly be? I thought oil was a "quickly vanishing natural resource," which was part of the reason gas prices were so high. I thought another part of the problem was because hurricanes destroyed two or three major oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico late last summer. We were told it could take years to rebuild after such a disaster, and thus the price of gas would remain very high, because the ability to produce enough oil had been greatly reduced. And now, very quickly and very mysteriously, everything has gotten better. Know what? I bet a magical oil fairy has come along and sprinkled pixie dust on all the fat oil companies. And through some kind of enchanting spell, oil prices have plummeted. Know what else? I

It is Monday evening. At my house, Monday evening means sitting and watching football. Gosh, I suddenly have this sense of deja vu. Didn't I just write that? Weird. I noticed this evening that some of my neighbors already have their Christmas lights out. There's something about putting your Christmas lights up before Thanksgiving that just violates some kind of rule in my book (hey, they're my rules... I make 'em up as I go). You know, people complain that Christmas comes earlier every year (which isn't true at all, Christmas always comes on December 25th). But if people have such a problem with Christmas coming too early, why do they put their lights out in mid-November? Aren't they contributing to the problem? Let's all stop and think, What would Paul Wellstone do? Sorry, that's an inside joke with myself. At work, I often park next to a bleeding liberal who has wallpapered their car with Obama, Greenpeace and PETA bumper stickers, and some mor

It's Sunday. My house on Sunday means sitting and watching football. Just like Thursday. And Friday. And Saturday. And Monday. It looks like it's snowed almost half an inch this morning and big flakes are still fluttering down in slow motion. It is finally starting to look like winter, and to tell the truth it is kind of a welcome sight. I guess I better clarify what I mean by that before I regret saying it. Yesterday while driving around, I said to my bride, "I love fall, but I hate this time of year. Everything looks brown and gray, bare and dead. The sun is too low in the sky and sets far too soon, and it's getting colder and colder. I wish it would snow to brighten things up." Now that we have a coating of squeaky new snow, things don't seem as drab. The State Farm guy came out yesterday and they will cover quite a few things, but he rattled stuff off so fast, speaking in his special Insurance Man Dialect, that I didn't catch 10% of it. Not

Not much to say today. I should have something to write about tomorrow, though. Supposedly -- allegedly -- a State Farm adjuster is coming out tomorrow to look at our roof. It has been two weeks since I filed the claim and I am quickly failing to see the benefit of having an agent in town. Actually my State Farm agent doesn't even know who I am, but he definitely wanted my vote two years ago when he ran for state representative. That was a funny day. He (his name is Paul Gazelka; what's the point in hiding his identity?) rang the door bell one Saturday afternoon and I thought he dropped in to see how things were going, one of those "I really appreciate your business and was wondering if there's anything I can do for you, Sam?" kind of visits. For 2.12 seconds, I was very impressed. Then he opened his mouth. He handed me a campaign flyer and asked me for my vote in November. I told him that I was a client of his and he did one of those fake, "Oh, of cour

I don't understand the inner workings of a dog's mind. How do they know certain things? I woke up at the ridiculous hour of 4:30 AM (I got my four hours of sleep, which I guess is all I'm supposed to get). When I awoke, I simply opened my eyes. I didn't shift in the bed, I didn't yawn, I didn't move a limb, I merely opened my eyes . Our boxer, Gracie, somehow knew immediately I was awake, as evidenced by her stubby tail swishing in the sheets (translation: "I know that you know that I know you're awake and you might as well take me out for my morning dump now, because I will harass you without mercy until you do."). Once I'm awake, I'm awake. I didn't fight the inevitable, so I got up and took out the dogs. I brewed a fresh pot of coffee (Folgers Breakfast Blend) and decided to partake in the only vice I have in my life: enjoying a fine cigar. So went out to the garage, lit up an Iguana ( hecho a mano in the Dominican Republi

Ava helped me unload the dishwasher last night -- she's always trying to be helpful. We had a nice father-daughter talk as we put the dishes away. I wanted to remember it, so I wrote it down while it was fresh in my memory. It went like this: Me: Thank you for helping me, Ava. Ava: Where's mama? Me: She went to work, remember? Ava: Don't worry, Papa. She'll be back later. Me: Yep, later tonight. Ava: I'm a truuuuue princess. Me: Yes you are. Ava: Don't forget your life jacket. Me: What? Ava: So we can be safe. Me: Yes, that's important isn't it? ...Say, give me that knife, sweetie, it's very sharp. Be careful! (she hands me a steak knife) Thank you. Ava: You're welcome. Good manners, Papa. Me: Thanks, Ava. Ava: Ummm... Papa? Me: Yes? Ava: I don't wanna go potty. Me: Well, you don't have to go if you don't need to go. Ava: Okay. (a brief moment of silence) ...Papa? Me: Yes? Ava: Can we have costumes? Me: Costumes?

I noticed that 334 people have visited my blog since I started counting 18 days ago. Good heavens, the pressure is on! I better get up-to-date here. My readers await me! Could I get more full of myself? Yeah, I probably could... Beth is at work, Ava is watching "Maggie and the Ferocious Beast," a cartoon about a little girl with a very active imagination (hmmm... fitting my daughter should be watching it), so this is a good time to catch up on my blog. A light snow is falling outside, much to Ava's excitement. She's already asked 14 times to go out and make a snowman. I've already explained 14 times that we don't have enough snow yet, but her neurons are not making that connection. Some things cannot be processed by a two year old mind. "Not enough snow" is one of them. "Daddy stands up to tinkle because he's a boy" is another one. But we won't get into that today. Today is Veterans Day, or if you are old school, Armistice

Today would have been your 80th birthday. When I think of you today, I wonder how things might have been. I bet we would have done something special for you today, to celebrate this milestone in your long, rich life. I bet we would have had a sur prise party for you, on this cold November afternoon. I bet you would have pretended to be upset with us for giving you so much attention. I bet you would have said something like, "Shame on you!" Or (more likely), "You damn kid s!" I bet you would have said it with tears in your eyes. I bet you would have been glowing, surrounded by your grandchildren and great-grandchildren on this special day. I bet we would have had chocolate cake and strong coffee, ham sandwiches with lots of butter and your homema de dill pickles. I bet we would have talked about the snow we got last night, and a new recipe you found in Good Housekeeping. I bet you would have told us about the new quilt you had just started, and the beautiful cedar wa