Wherefore Art Thou Angie?

I've learned my lesson: never fall in love with a product that Costco carries, because it will be a short-lived affair.  And your heart will be shattered.

Over the past few months I've grown addicted to Angie's Kettle Corn.  I freely admit it.  I am pathetic.

Believe it or not, I try hard to keep from consuming an inordinate amount of sweets.  That's not an easy thing to do this time of year; however, Angie's satisfied my sweet tooth and was calorie-friendly.  You could have a large two cup serving for less calories than a half cup of ice cream.

It was the best of both worlds.  I loved her it.

Missing:  If you see her, tell her that I love her.

A large HUGE bag only cost around $6 at Costco and it's produced in Mankato... Angie was a hometown girl!

Angie was perfect.  Too perfect.

A few weeks ago at Costco, I discovered Angie had left me.

It actually gave me heart palpitations to discover that her salty sweetness had vanished from my grasp.  I looked all over the damn store that day (no small feat - it's a big place) and came up with empty hands, an empty stomach and an empty heart.  I even looked in the t.v./computer/electronics section... I'm not sure why, but I looked all the same.

A few days later I went back, hoping Costco had just temporarily run out of stock.

But it was not to be.  Angie.  She was gone.

I heard the Rolling Stones playing in the ongoing soundtrack in my head...

"Angie...Aaaaangie.  Don't you weep, all your kisses (and kettle corn) still taste sweet."

It's been three weeks now and I've still not found a replacement, but I've whittled my choices down to four potential suitors:

An American icon since 1896: Great for a song about baseball, but Sailor Jack ain't Angie.  

Food experts (how does one become a food expert?) say that Cracker Jack was the first "junk food" in America.  But you get a prize in every box, so I really don't see the problem.

Clogging arteries since 1966

Crunch 'N Munch is relatively high in calories compared to my wonderful Angie.  Although I can't say I've ever met a box of Crunch 'N Munch I didn't like.

A cousin to Crunch 'N Munch, Fiddle Faddle has been putting smiles atop double chins since 1967.

Fiddle Faddle is lower in calories than Crunch 'N Munch, but still significantly higher than my sweet Angie.  The truth is, I can't tell the difference between Crunch 'N Munch and Fiddle Faddle.  They are sort of like the kissing cousins of butter toffee popcorn.

Putting the "ass" in massive since the 1950s.

In English English, I believe "poppycock" is a dignified way of saying, "I say, old chap, that's absolute  bullshit!"  For that reason alone I love the name.

But the product is more expensive than any of the above mentioned sinfully delicious, blissfully coated-popcorn delicacies.  And it's higher in calories.  Why should I pay more money to make myself fatter?

Or maybe that's exactly why they call it Poppycock?

Ultimately, I don't think I'm going to find a replacement for my dearly departed Angie.  When you find "the one," nothing else matters.  Luckily it is Christmas season and I've surrounded myself with something even better:

There is simply nothing on God's snow-covered earth better than peanut brittle during the holiday season.  Nothing.

So Angie and her benevolent kettle corn can pee up a rope.  At least temporarily.

But soon Christmas will be over and the dreaded JFM months will be upon us (January, February, March).  I must find a suitable substitute for Angie or I will be forced to start eating fruit.

And there has been enough vomiting in this house for one winter.