Coffee Crapulence
It all started a couple of days ago when I read an article speculating coffee prices were going to skyrocket in the coming months (there are a number of reasons for this price hike, but for the sake of humanity, I won't go there). While the article did not predict how high the prices would soar, the author used the word "significant."
Since then, I've been thinking about something and I suppose I'm little morbid for even broaching this squeamish thought.
Like everyone else, I'm a creature of habit. Andone of the worst the worst habit I have is drinking coffee. Actually, let's call it what it is: an addiction.
I've said to the Speaker of the House more than once that if I was forced to make a choice, I would stop imbibing in my favorite barley and hops beverage for life before I would cease my coffee intake. It is something I simply can't live without.
But how much am I willing to pay for this bean of the gods? And how much money would I save if I became an ex-coffee drinker? Would there be any health benefits to quitting altogether?
That's when the macabre notion hit me -- could I quit drinking coffee for just a week?
I suppose I get this little quirk from Howard, who was always challenging himself. For example, he used to chew Copenhagen like it was going out of style. One day he decided to quit, just to see if he could do it... (and yes, he did it).
I don't have any "bad habits" so to speak. While it's no secret I enjoy a cigar now and then, it is not something I need to have everyday. Or every week. Or every month for that matter. I don't smoke cigarettes. I'm a social drinker, but I can go weeks without touching a drop. I certainly don't partake in illicit drugs.
Basically, I am a pathetically boring dude.
But coffee is a whole different animal. Coffee is a way of life. I drink it at home. I drink it at work. I drink it on vacation. I drink it while I drive. I drink it while I relax. Coffee is all around all the time. It is the universal nectar. Quitting seems an impossibility.
And let's face it, I'd rather slice off my eye lids with broken bottle top than never taste coffee again.
But my life hasn't always been this way. I never touched coffee until I was almost 19 years old (unlike some youngsters these days who are swilling venti-half skinny-extra hot-split quad shot-no bubbles-extra whip lattes by the age of 10).
My addiction began when I was freshman in college and needed to write a paper. It was already 7:00 PM I knew I was going to have to pull my first all nighter. So I went to my local Pamida and bought a cheap coffee maker and a can of Butter-Nut (hey, it sounded tasty) and brought it back to my one bedroom apartment.
Once I got there, I discovered I needed something called a "filter" which I had failed to purchase. Since I was on the budget of a college freshman, I MacGyvered (after all, this was the '80s) a coffee filter out of paper towels.
By sunrise the next morning, and some four pots of this a-m-a-z-i-n-g bitter, brown potion later, I was shaking like a chihuahua and my heart was setting a land speed record.
And my six page paper had turned into something like 172 pages. This boy was on fire.
It was awesome. And I was hooked.
That was some 28 years ago and I haven't gone without at least a pot of coffee everyday since then (save for a handful of days when I was doing my best Regan MacNeil impression).
I've always believed I can do ANYTHING for a week. But I honestly wonder if I could really do this? Can I really quit drinking coffee for a week? When I got up at 5:15 AM a couple days ago for work, my first thought... yes, my very first thought... was "I really need a cup of coffee," while the welcoming aroma of fresh coffee slowly diffused through the house as the auto brew on my Mr. Coffee bubbled away.
No, I'm not going to be stupid here (although I probably already am) and say I'm not drinking coffee again. I know that won't happen. After all, we have a sign in our kitchen, displayed amongst antique coffee pots and coffee tins, which is one of my life mottos:
The irony here, as I ponder these ridiculous thoughts, is I'm typing this while drinking a wonderfully hot cup o' joe (Donut Shop Coffee, if you must know). My biggest concern is the safety of my family, and quite honestly, that of my co-workers. I don't know what kind of monster I will turn into if I become coffee-less.
Really, I might kill someone. This requires serious thought before I do it.
Is prison time really worth it?
Since then, I've been thinking about something and I suppose I'm little morbid for even broaching this squeamish thought.
Like everyone else, I'm a creature of habit. And
I've said to the Speaker of the House more than once that if I was forced to make a choice, I would stop imbibing in my favorite barley and hops beverage for life before I would cease my coffee intake. It is something I simply can't live without.
But how much am I willing to pay for this bean of the gods? And how much money would I save if I became an ex-coffee drinker? Would there be any health benefits to quitting altogether?
 |
| This is what happiness looks like. |
I suppose I get this little quirk from Howard, who was always challenging himself. For example, he used to chew Copenhagen like it was going out of style. One day he decided to quit, just to see if he could do it... (and yes, he did it).
I don't have any "bad habits" so to speak. While it's no secret I enjoy a cigar now and then, it is not something I need to have everyday. Or every week. Or every month for that matter. I don't smoke cigarettes. I'm a social drinker, but I can go weeks without touching a drop. I certainly don't partake in illicit drugs.
Basically, I am a pathetically boring dude.
But coffee is a whole different animal. Coffee is a way of life. I drink it at home. I drink it at work. I drink it on vacation. I drink it while I drive. I drink it while I relax. Coffee is all around all the time. It is the universal nectar. Quitting seems an impossibility.
And let's face it, I'd rather slice off my eye lids with broken bottle top than never taste coffee again.
But my life hasn't always been this way. I never touched coffee until I was almost 19 years old (unlike some youngsters these days who are swilling venti-half skinny-extra hot-split quad shot-no bubbles-extra whip lattes by the age of 10).
My addiction began when I was freshman in college and needed to write a paper. It was already 7:00 PM I knew I was going to have to pull my first all nighter. So I went to my local Pamida and bought a cheap coffee maker and a can of Butter-Nut (hey, it sounded tasty) and brought it back to my one bedroom apartment.
Once I got there, I discovered I needed something called a "filter" which I had failed to purchase. Since I was on the budget of a college freshman, I MacGyvered (after all, this was the '80s) a coffee filter out of paper towels.
By sunrise the next morning, and some four pots of this a-m-a-z-i-n-g bitter, brown potion later, I was shaking like a chihuahua and my heart was setting a land speed record.
And my six page paper had turned into something like 172 pages. This boy was on fire.
It was awesome. And I was hooked.
That was some 28 years ago and I haven't gone without at least a pot of coffee everyday since then (save for a handful of days when I was doing my best Regan MacNeil impression).
 |
| No coffee today. |
I've always believed I can do ANYTHING for a week. But I honestly wonder if I could really do this? Can I really quit drinking coffee for a week? When I got up at 5:15 AM a couple days ago for work, my first thought... yes, my very first thought... was "I really need a cup of coffee," while the welcoming aroma of fresh coffee slowly diffused through the house as the auto brew on my Mr. Coffee bubbled away.
No, I'm not going to be stupid here (although I probably already am) and say I'm not drinking coffee again. I know that won't happen. After all, we have a sign in our kitchen, displayed amongst antique coffee pots and coffee tins, which is one of my life mottos:
 |
| "Life is too short for bad coffee." |
Really, I might kill someone. This requires serious thought before I do it.
Is prison time really worth it?
