Lettuce Pray
Being King of my Castle, I don't go grocery shopping much.
Usually, my "people" go grocery shopping for me, but there are times even the King has to do a little shopping when his "people" rebel.
And such was the case last night.
You see, I neglected to pick up bread and milk yesterday morning whilst returning home from work and when supper time came, my "people" insisted that I trek to the land of Cub Foods to find nourishment for the occupants of the Castle, since we were fresh out of the basics which I had not provided for earlier in the day.
I protested that it was far too cold to journey outside the warm confines of the Castle, but my "people" told me to piss directly up a rope and be a man for once.
Thusly, I became a man.
So off I went into the cold of the evening and presented myself to Cub Foods. First on my list was a nice salad, so I decided to buy one of those convenient bags of lettuce. This seemed to be a very easy task. Lettuce is lettuce, right? Silly me.
There was American lettuce and Angel Hair lettuce. There was Classic Iceberg and Greener Selection lettuce. There was 7 Lettuces lettuce and Baby Spinach & Radicchio. There was even European lettuce and Iceberg Butter Crunch (yeah, Butter Crunch... now you're talkin'!). How about Butter & Red Leaf or Leafy Romain? Perhaps Spring Mix or Field Greens are a better choice? Don't forget Very Veggie and Tender Garden.
And, believe it or not, there was even Just Lettuce lettuce (no, my friends, I'm not making that up).
Since when is buying lettuce such a study in decision making? I think having choices is a good thing in life, but this is ridiculous.
And if buying lettuce was a challenge, going down the salad dressing aisle was mind boggling.
The colors and varieties of salad dressings are amazing! Italian, House Italian (what's the difference?), French, French Deluxe (what's the difference?), Chunky Bleu Cheese, Bleu Cheese with Gorgonzola, Ceasar, Ranch, Bacon Ranch, Garlic Ranch, Spring Onion Ranch, Thousand Island, Berry Delight, Simply Santa Fe, Western, Vinaigrettes (from Balsamic to Olive Oil to Red Wine!), Honey Mustard Buzz, Shit Shooter, Vinegar Vomit and Pink Pearl Eel Pout.
If that wasn't enough, you can get everything "creamy" as well: Creamy Ceasar, Creamy Italian, Creamy French, Extra-Creamy Creamy Ranch with Sprinkles, Creamy Western, Creamy Vinaigrette with Extra Oil, Extra Thick Creamy Cream with Bacon and Other Stuff, and the ever popular Creamy Heart Attack in a Bottle.
Oh, and for those of us watching our waistlines, there's the "light" varieties: Light Ranch, Light Peppercorn Ranch with Honey Dijon, Light French, Light Western, Light Ceasar, Light Honey Mustard, Light Vinaigrettes of all kinds, Light Asian Sesame Seed with Nuts, I See the Light with Extra Creamy Bleu Cheese, Turn Off the Light, and So Light There's Really No Point In Even Making This Shit.
And if "light" isn't your bag, there's fat free, too: Fat Free Italian, Fat Free Ranch, Fat Free French, and Fat Free Fat with Honey Mustard and Muppet Droppings.
If that's not enough, everything seems to be "new and improved."
Say, if a manufacturer puts out a product advertised as "new and improved" aren't they really saying "Our original product sucked. This one is better. We promise." I've always wondered that.
So after much deliberation, I decided to put everthing back on the shelf and order Papa John's. I ordered their special of the day. It was nice to have a decision made for me.
And from now on, my "people" are going grocery shopping.
Yes, it's good to be King.
Usually, my "people" go grocery shopping for me, but there are times even the King has to do a little shopping when his "people" rebel.
And such was the case last night.
You see, I neglected to pick up bread and milk yesterday morning whilst returning home from work and when supper time came, my "people" insisted that I trek to the land of Cub Foods to find nourishment for the occupants of the Castle, since we were fresh out of the basics which I had not provided for earlier in the day.
I protested that it was far too cold to journey outside the warm confines of the Castle, but my "people" told me to piss directly up a rope and be a man for once.
Thusly, I became a man.
So off I went into the cold of the evening and presented myself to Cub Foods. First on my list was a nice salad, so I decided to buy one of those convenient bags of lettuce. This seemed to be a very easy task. Lettuce is lettuce, right? Silly me.
There was American lettuce and Angel Hair lettuce. There was Classic Iceberg and Greener Selection lettuce. There was 7 Lettuces lettuce and Baby Spinach & Radicchio. There was even European lettuce and Iceberg Butter Crunch (yeah, Butter Crunch... now you're talkin'!). How about Butter & Red Leaf or Leafy Romain? Perhaps Spring Mix or Field Greens are a better choice? Don't forget Very Veggie and Tender Garden.
And, believe it or not, there was even Just Lettuce lettuce (no, my friends, I'm not making that up).
Since when is buying lettuce such a study in decision making? I think having choices is a good thing in life, but this is ridiculous.
And if buying lettuce was a challenge, going down the salad dressing aisle was mind boggling.
The colors and varieties of salad dressings are amazing! Italian, House Italian (what's the difference?), French, French Deluxe (what's the difference?), Chunky Bleu Cheese, Bleu Cheese with Gorgonzola, Ceasar, Ranch, Bacon Ranch, Garlic Ranch, Spring Onion Ranch, Thousand Island, Berry Delight, Simply Santa Fe, Western, Vinaigrettes (from Balsamic to Olive Oil to Red Wine!), Honey Mustard Buzz, Shit Shooter, Vinegar Vomit and Pink Pearl Eel Pout.
If that wasn't enough, you can get everything "creamy" as well: Creamy Ceasar, Creamy Italian, Creamy French, Extra-Creamy Creamy Ranch with Sprinkles, Creamy Western, Creamy Vinaigrette with Extra Oil, Extra Thick Creamy Cream with Bacon and Other Stuff, and the ever popular Creamy Heart Attack in a Bottle.
Oh, and for those of us watching our waistlines, there's the "light" varieties: Light Ranch, Light Peppercorn Ranch with Honey Dijon, Light French, Light Western, Light Ceasar, Light Honey Mustard, Light Vinaigrettes of all kinds, Light Asian Sesame Seed with Nuts, I See the Light with Extra Creamy Bleu Cheese, Turn Off the Light, and So Light There's Really No Point In Even Making This Shit.
And if "light" isn't your bag, there's fat free, too: Fat Free Italian, Fat Free Ranch, Fat Free French, and Fat Free Fat with Honey Mustard and Muppet Droppings.
If that's not enough, everything seems to be "new and improved."
Say, if a manufacturer puts out a product advertised as "new and improved" aren't they really saying "Our original product sucked. This one is better. We promise." I've always wondered that.
So after much deliberation, I decided to put everthing back on the shelf and order Papa John's. I ordered their special of the day. It was nice to have a decision made for me.
And from now on, my "people" are going grocery shopping.
Yes, it's good to be King.
